Sunday, April 3, 2011

at a steady pace

Jack told no one what he was up to. Not even Nick. Kelsey would have had a fit.

It was just, he didn't know what to do.

He started following Ryan. Of course, with all the slow paced moments involved in watching and waiting for this high school coach who was once more than a friend, Jack started smoking cigarettes. What a bad thing to do. But the smokes kept him calm. And well, Kelsey just didn't get how he needed to be calm.

Keep calm.

Wasn't like he was planning on killing the guy. Even if he thought Ryan was pretty heartless. It still bothered Jack how much he'd wanted to be so much like him. Look like him. Be like. Even that grin. It was all so shameless now. Possibly just dust, but still it effected him. It did.

Of course, it took a mighty long time for it all to evolve, the emotion of it, the act, the conceit, covering it up, acting as if it never happened when it certainly did. He looked up to Ryan. Everyone wanted to be him, or so he imagined. But then, they were just kids, even if Ryan was a few years older. It was a seed that implied the future. Jack's not Ryan's.

It turned into an ugliness that Jack couldn't possibly clean away. Here he sat in his pickup truck outside Ryan's house. If only he could confront him. How would it go down? Would it just pick up where it left off, like they were suppose to be together..again... Or would Ryan act as if he didn't know what he was talking about nor who he was.

It frightened Jack to think it. His skin covered in goosebumps. What was he suppose to do? His eyes rimmed with warm tears ready to spill down his face. He'd never want anything like this to happen to Grady or Owen..not any kid.

Some people were just luckier than others. Like, Nick. Then he remembered..he wasn't alone anymore. He had a family now. He didn't need to ponder over this Ryan anymore. It was the past. So distant now. A far away place.

He pulled away from the curb then. Slid in some nicotine gum between his teeth and started to chew. Kelsey would be after him if he didn't quit smoking. He drove on into the dead of night. Even so, he wasn't quite ready to go home.


ivy's closet said...

This was good. I'm glad you got up the nerve to go through with it.

meg said...

I like the way this started. I dunno if he'd feel any better if he did confront him.

lucy and sarah said...

Just what's he going to do? I like the update.

Cait said...

I've missed this sooo much.

molly said...

I do wonder where he'll go.

Eeshie said...

This is so interesting...

Hi. I'm new.

Your blog is freaking cool.

Ali said...

I feel so bad for Jack.